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I am a haunted man.

The ghosts of my past have finally caught up with me. The claws of my demons sink deep into my skin and have begun to take hold. I will fight them for as long and as hard as I can, but they have attached themselves to me. I can feel them tearing at me and dragging me back to hell.

There was a time in my life when I would have laughed in the face of my fears. A time when I would challenge them without caring what the outcome might be. More than likely I would have come out on top, a little worse for wear, but the victor nevertheless.

Those years were long past.

The brave boy was now a man burdened with responsibilities. Since leaving Texas all those years ago, I had lived my life differently. I had prescribed to behaving a certain way.

Regimented. Controlled. Orderly.

For a long time, the lessons that my cold-hearted bastard of a father had spent years beating into my psyche had kept the demons at bay. But now the darkness was surrounding me once again, blanketing me in despair on my perch in a room without clocks.

The only thing good in my life was my shining light. My love. My wife. It was because of her that I had to fix this mess and pray that she never became the wiser. If I lost her, I would lose everything and I couldn't be held responsible for what I would do if that happened. She loved the life we had, or rather the life she thought we had. The truth was even too horrible to burden her with.

I would bear this shame. It was mine, never hers. She was perfect. My angel. My heaven.

Those fucking sheep back on Twilight Place knew nothing of me, of who I was and what I was made from. I would go to their parties, to their dinners, all the while their ridiculous existence making my nightmare that much more surreal and bizarre. Their vile, privileged lives made my failure that much more disgusting. At least I had one reprieve, one mistake was being corrected without my having to deal with it. I hoped this signaled a turn for me. I needed Lady Luck to smile on me again, to wrap me in her warm embrace and set me on the righteous path to salvation. I needed her soon.

Time was running out.

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I had everything a guy could want. I had a beautiful wife, great friends and family and a fulfilling career. What more could a guy ask for?

Growing up in a privileged world, I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that I had it good. As an only child, I was granted pretty much anything I wanted. I had a loving father that wanted to give me everything that he never had and a doting mother, while overbearing at times, that only wanted to make me happy. The only decisions I ever had to make was what car to get for my sixteenth birthday and what college to go play football at.

A career killing knee injury in college destroyed my football future. What I decided to do instead of play ball seemed fun and harmless at first. I had no idea that the simple decision would be affecting me to this day.

It started off innocently enough, just a little something for me and my future wife to do for fun one night, but after that night I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Thinking about it only turned into wanting it, which then turned into obsessing about it.

I didn’t think it would hurt to do it once more. I just needed to get it out of my system and then I would get back to my life.

It didn’t work out that way. At all.

The obsession only grew and now I was keeping this horrible secret from my wife. I was cloaked in deception and guilt, but no matter how awful I felt, I couldn’t stop. Sneaking around and lying was wearing me down physically and mentally. My marriage, which was filled with love, was in a fragile state. I couldn’t add anything else to that by confessing what I had been doing all these years.

If this dirty secret of mine was ever uncovered, I would lose everything. I would lose my wife, family, career and any part of my dignity that was left.

I was just thankful that my friends and family living in The Hills of Twilight didn’t have clue. I could lie my head down at night with the slight comfort that my secret was safe.

At least for now.

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I am a master illusionist.

I reinvented myself the summer before my freshman year of college. Before then, I was the geeky nobody girls ignored and boys made fun of. Last chosen for the baseball team at P.E. Last asked out for Sadie Hawkins dances. Last to be invited to anything. An awkward child at eight, I became the invisible loner at sixteen.

One summer changed all that. I entered into the newly built gym in my hometown of Seattle, Washington and little Eddie Jr. disappeared forever. Three months later, Edward Masen moved into the dormitories of Dartmouth and never looked back. Contact lenses replaced the thick eyeglasses, lean muscle mass camouflaged the lanky limbs I had yet to grow into, and a refurbished motorcycle sat in the parking space my old Buick would never inhabit.

Since no one at Dartmouth knew anything about Eddie Jr., I used college as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to become the person I wanted to be. For the first time in my life, men wanted to be my friend, and women, well, they just wanted me. Gifted with a photographic memory, I drank and partied through my undergraduate years and still graduated with honors.

I entered medical school, not out of an altruistic desire to help my fellowman, but because doctors made a fuckload of money. After graduation, I decided to specialize as an OB/GYN. Once a year, I became fantasy fodder for lonely housewives, overworked, underappreciated administrative assistants, and perky young co-eds who flushed crimson under their paper gowns.

Of course, I never had a romantic relationship with any of my patients - that would be inappropriate. Besides, there were plenty of women begging to date a young, single doctor who spent his off hours perfecting g-spot detection. My motto became, "Leave them first. Leave them satisfied. Leave them whatever. Just leave them." I never felt the urge to settle down, to procreate, or to tie myself forever to one woman. Life was a game and I was determined to play hard.

Sometimes, the plan backfired. Which was why I found myself packing up and leaving the woman who will henceforth be known as CPB, or Crazy Psycho Bitch. Leaving town, bound for a new place, a new experience, and, if luck remained, new women.

Twilight Place, the perfect location for a master illusionist who could make anyone believe anything. The only downfall? I could never fool myself.

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There are some people that wander through life wondering what their purpose is. What were they put on earth for? They search and search only to find nothing.

I was lucky.

For me, I always knew. I didn't need to hunt for it or follow a hunch. I was certain I was meant to be a mommy.

When I was little and played the 'What do I want to be when I grow up?' game, I was always a mom with tons of kids. Rocking a little one in a handmade glider, day trips to the zoo would precede camp-outs in our backyard with s'mores and cuddles under the stars. I saw no other path for me. All I had to do was find that special guy and everything would fall right into place.

The moment I met my husband, I knew he was the one. We were in college and it was as close to love at first sight as you could have gotten. Two very different people...from very different backgrounds...but we immediately fit.

He was everything that I had ever wanted...kind and handsome and smart...but strong enough to be my man. He was, without a doubt, my other half. Once we married, I knew it would be only a matter of time before we started to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. I couldn't wait. Everything was working out exactly how I had always wanted.

There was just one thing that I didn't figure into my perfect plans.

Sometimes things didn't work out the way we planned.

Life will often throw you a curve ball and it is up to us to decide how to handle it. My flawlessly mapped out life took a detour and I couldn't help but feel that it was all my fault.

One night and one awful mistake that I regretted more than anything.

The mistake haunted me, and now I had to face the reality that I was being punished for what I had done. Rightfully so; I did a horrible thing that I would never forgive myself for.

And my husband. My sweet, darling husband. He was always standing by my side, making me laugh and trying to give me everything that I didn't deserve. The secret I kept from him and what it was doing to our life was literally eating away at me, piece by piece. He would be beyond destroyed if he ever found out. I couldn't ever let that happen.

He could never, ever know.

So, for now, I would keep up the brave face and leave my secret buried deep within The Hills of Twilight.

I had often wondered how I got to this place in my life. How I'd let myself become someone else's puppet instead of my own person. I was never just Bella - never just a woman. For as long as I could remember, I was always categorized by someone else. I was so and so's daughter - best friend - wife. I was never just me.

I used to have dreams - goals I'd set for myself. I wanted to be a chef at a five-star restaurant. Or an English Professor at an Ivy League College. Or a journalist that traveled to places like Africa or the Middle East to show the world what else was out there. While growing up - and even in my early college days - I had different ideas of what I wanted to be when I stepped out into 'the real world.' Never once did that dream include being someone's arm candy - someone's pretty little wife that looked great at dinner parties and socialized with all the other pretty little wives, but didn't do much else.

Oh, I could volunteer and help to coordinate the next ski-trip for the snotty prep-school kids. Or help plan parties at the Country Club. Or offer my opinion to Mitzy on what colors she should redecorate her house in.

What I couldn't do was get a job. A real, full-fledged, paying job. With normal hours and normal wages and normal co-workers. Heaven forbid one of the wives of Twilight Place actually have something fulfilling outside of her husband (or the pool boy).

If only I had known how I would feel after six years of doing nothing but looking pretty. I had been so swept up in the fairytale romance my husband had portrayed when we first started dating. I was fairly naive, from a small town, and had little to no dating experience. It wasn't because I was a loner or because I didn't get asked, but because I chose to focus on my studies - to fulfill all those dreams that would never be.

But somehow, my husband made me lose sight of all that. Our whirlwind romance was that of the movies. He literally swept me off my feet - saying and doing all the right things. He had Charlie and Renee eating out of his hand the moment he walked through our front door. And, I was... Well, I was smitten. In love, I thought. But, now I'd come to realized that I was merely in love with the idea of the romance - of the life he presented.

I was never in love with him.

And so, now I was stuck. I was stuck with a man whom I didn't love and who didn't find me sexually attractive anymore. I was stuck without a job or way of supporting myself. I was stuck in a life I didn't want, but didn't know how to get out of.

So, for now, I would continue to be the picture perfect woman - a cookie-cutter mold of some one else's ideals. I would be Renee and Charlie's daughter. I would be Alice's best friend. And I would be the perfect wife.

Because on Twilight Place, I couldn't be just Bella.